Male privilege: “misandry”, rape culture, and a failure to understand women’s* world outlook
Posted: January 6, 2013 Filed under: Feminism, Misogyny, Politics, Race, Rape, Sex | Tags: feminism, gender, nice guys, politics, privilege, race, rape, rape culture, sexism, violence, women 17 Comments »This post was inspired by a comment I received on my recent post Nice guy syndrome: misogyny, patriarchy, and entitlement. On Google Plus, one man commented on the article saying…
This girl, and many girls all give him the same spiel of, “You’re a nice guy, let’s be friends…” Now, why did she do that?? Does she know him, really? You might say she does it because she fears him, his power… We are talking about power, rape culture, etc, etc.
Before I can even talk about this I have to discuss power. If his “Power”, even though he’s never said anything to assert himself as a potential rapist, or practioner of violence toward women is his being a POTENTIAL THREAT… Right now he isn’t a threat at all. Right now she is very much in control. She has power. I find it hilarious that women hate the thought of being made powerful through their physical attractiveness, because…
[...] Only right now, we dealing with two young people who don’t really understand the dynamics of power. You might still be debunking the whole idea that “attraction is power”, and… so now… [...]
I don’t know about you, but when a girl told me,” You’re a nice guy, but I just want to be friends…” often it wasn’t that she wanted to be friends; it was because she knew we’d see each other again and that it would be socially awkward. It was easier for her. Or… she knew I was still attracted to her, and while she knew it wasn’t reciprocated it felt good to have someone pursuant. My feelings usually didn’t come into the equation. Which you might argue, but see… I am not even sure within the context of these relationships either of us knew or truly, understood what friendship meant. Ironically, if you had discussed this issue with me 20 years ago. I probably would have given you a gendered answer, of I don’t think women knew what friendship really meant. However, I think that is much like the sour grapes of people who haven’t accomplished a lot blaming things on gender. Then again, my opinion is biased, I know plenty of accomplished women. [Emphasis my own.]
The full response can be read here on my Google Plus profile, available to the general public. I have permalinked the original post.
End rape culture
This line of argument to Nice Guy thinking is fascinating and worrying in equal measures, but it also points towards something that needs to be addressed: male privilege.
Privilege in society isn’t just something that males hold, but pretty much any majority group: white privilege, cis privilege, straight privilege, class privilege and so on. These advantages aren’t something that are sought after by individuals, but unearned benefits bestowed on the whole group. Since this is a privilege as a group, and one that has not been earned but simply born into, it can be hard sometimes to see your own privilege. Those from privileged groups can never truly appreciate the worldview of those from oppressed minorities. This last point is crucial.
Betty defines privilege as:
Privilege is: About how society accommodates you. It’s about advantages you have that you think are normal. It’s about you being normal, and others being the deviation from normal. It’s about fate dealing from the bottom of the deck on your behalf.
Since you are born into this privilege, you think that the privileges you have are universal. A white person would never think too deeply on race, since they come from a privileged racial group where race is not an issue for them. This doesn’t mean those from privileged positions cannot educate themselves or empathise with unprivileged persons, but they will never fully be able to see the world through the eyes of a particular minority group and all of the struggles that entails.
No more rape culture
It is this that the commenter quoted failed to understand; his male privilege. Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with a lack of self-education, since I know many, many male feminists and feminist allies who fully grasp their position of privilege, and who are extremely conscious of gender. I would hope that I, as a white person and as someone who is cisgender, can learn to understand my own positions of privilege and learn about the oppression that other minority groups face, in order that I may be their ally and refrain from perpetuating harmful ideas and attitudes. One of the key things in self-education about positions of privilege is to listen to the voices of the oppressed. If you want to learn about women’s oppression, listen to a woman speaking about her experiences. Ditto race, sexuality, class, and so on. Nobody will ever understand the worldview of the oppressed except the oppressed themselves.
Misconceptions about the meaning of “privilege”
And so when the commenter said, “even though he’s never said anything to assert himself as a potential rapist, or practioner of violence toward women is his being a POTENTIAL THREAT… Right now he isn’t a threat at all,” what he was failing to grasp was that he can take it for granted that he is not in danger. For men, if somebody never says something aggressive or threatening to them, then there is no threat. For a woman, the threat is always there. The sad fact is, generally, men are much stronger and faster than women. The even sadder fact is that it is women who are raped far more often than men. [1] Rape is a constant threat for women. And I can tell you this as a woman.
This constant threat is demonstrated nowhere more vividly than in a recent post by Oliotalk:
The truth is that the vacuum that builds up in a girl’s stomach as she quickens her pace through a desolate road, looking back every other minute to ensure there is no other shadow lurking behind her, is nothing but fear.
Fear is the single common heirloom, that as girls in India, we all inherit from our mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters and friends. Fear for self-preservation, and of men who can do things to hurt and shame us. We learn to weave this fear seamlessly into our lives and never even realize when it becomes second nature. This perpetual fear eats into a woman’s carefree spirit and keeps her on guard at all times. [1]
Most men will never know first-hand this fear, unless perhaps they are in prison, but even then, though tragic and life-ruining, prison sentences are for only a fraction of most men’s lives; the threat of rape for women is lifelong.
I read a post once on Tumblr written by a high school teacher. She said in her class one boy was telling the story of how he was in a taxi with a sexually aggressive gay man that he didn’t know. The gay man was making unwanted sexual advances on him, and the boy felt scared since he did not reciprocate. The teacher asked him if he had ever considered that when he hit on girls who did not want to be involved with him, that they too might feel scared. The boy seemed puzzled at this suggestion. The teacher then asked the girls in the classroom to raised their hands if they had ever felt threatened by an unwanted come-on from a man. Every single girl raised their hand.
When we think about issues such as rape culture and “Nice Guys”, we must also consider them from outside our own perspective, from the perspective of minorities. This is why inclusivity is so important in activist movements, because without the voices of the minorities, we fail to see the world from all angles, and we fail to see how our own behaviour impacts on other people.
* By “women” I mean anyone who identifies as a woman and likewise for males. Though it must be remembered that trans people particularly suffer worse for rape and violent hate crimes than cis women.
[1] . The U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics (1997) stated that that 91% of United States people whose rape accusations resulted in convictions against the accused were female and 9% were male. It also stated that 99% of the people convicted of and imprisoned in response to rape accusations were male, with only 1% of those convicted being female.
[2] http://oliotalk.wordpress.com/2012/12/31/and-they-lived-fearlessly-ever-after/
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I got into a horrible argument with a member of my circle about this. He said he didn’t understand feminism because we should strive for gender equality. When I said that it’s feminism because, well, it’s not men who’ve suffered prejudice based on gender for centuries, he then proceeded on a seven hour diatribe about how I was just paranoid about patriarchy and that I was full of hatred, ignorant to fact that other people experience prejudice – he’d been bullied himself. I asked him if as a white male he had known what it was like to live as a woman in a society where rape culture is acceptable, he just insulted me again. Over night. Now he sends me articles about gender equality in the hopes of correcting my view.
Looking back on it, I should have done it and that I shouldn’t have – I got quite scared during the situation, and after talking to his ex-girlfriend I have realised that no matter what I said, he would have attacked me in the same way. But the issue of rape culture is important and should be talked about – if people don’t stand up and shout, then things become accepted and incontestable. And I’ve realised that this is really long and rambly and probably not relevant in the slightest.
Completely agree. My nanna’s partner and I had a similar argument once, and he could seem to understand that individual cases of violence or prejudice are NOT the same as systematic oppression and violence, ie. rape culture. Quite often this has been turned around on me so that I just have a “victim mindset” and that I am unable to see the world for what it really is, when in reality I believe it’s that these individuals are unwilling to listen to the testimony of a women about living AS a woman. It’s funny how certain types of men think that they are the expert on women, and yet never listen to women themselves.
Oh yeah. He told me that I was just imagining things because of paranoia and that men get judged too – for staying at home and stuff. Totally the same situation there.
NB. I was worried that my OP implied that I don’t believe in gender equality, which is really not the case. I was trying to defend the relevance of feminism in the modern world to someone who thinks it’s all bra burning and man hating.
Oh no, I totally got that. You always need a little disclaimer at the start of a feminist debate to certain people: “Look, I promise I’m not going to cover you in menstrual blood or kill all your male pets, but…”
Disclaimers, disclaimers… the literary equivalent of discharging a firearm into one’s own metatarsals often as not – though in practice I catch myself using them far too infrequently. I’ve just finished reading Dworkin’s ‘Intercourse’ which – in case you’ve not read it – begins with a disclaimer explaining why she refused to begin it with a disclaimer. Classic! The least apologetic of feminists, but anyone who comes away from her – astonishing – writing believing she hates men is either blinded by predjudice or simply not paying attention. I can’t claim to understand everything that she writes, or agree with all that I do understand but what an intellect, and so thought-provoking..
Oliotalk’s post was the first thing that sprang to mind when you wrote of men not understanding the omnipresent threat of violence from a woman’s perspective. I can’t claim first-hand understanding, of course, but – brilliant – writing like that can only help to cultivate empathy. Without wishing to make excuses for the guy who was arguing with you, or the one who got on his high horse with Betty ^, I can sympathize with him – I’ve been involved in similar exchanges in the past with female friends, and found myself feeling equally baffled, incredulous and (nebulously) threatened by what they tried to explain to me about – for want of a better term – ‘the female condition’. It’s an ego thing, of course – living in a society that purports to reward the deserving for their hard work, only to find a fair chunk of our so-called achievements come courtesy of being accidentally born at the right time, in the right place, with the right chromosomes…. ouch. We’ll get over it.
Being the uber-music fan, i’m minded of a song which deals – more eloquently than I – with that very subject so I’m posting it below for yours and your followers’ amusement:
Oh, and briefly back onto the subject of disclaimers, I notice you’re fond of disclaiming on the subject of intersectionality/inclusivity, pointedly so in regard to including Transwomen under the same gender umbrella as born-women. Now, that’s your prerogative and farbeit for me to say you’re wrong; but I subscribe to a couple wp blogs run by militant feminists with grave reservations – which I’m inclined to share – about the impact this approach might have on the long-term cause of sex-equality. In particular, the reluctance of a vocal minority of Trans-activists to abandon their male-privilege and revert to type when the sincerity of their commitment to feminism is called into question. Feel free to disagree, but I think you’ll find their blogs interesting (I do):
http://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2012/12/31/top-trends-in-gender-2012/
http://pretendbian.wordpress.com/2012/10/31/jennifer-mccreath/
I love the song! An accident of birth, indeed. That’s what everyone on this planet is unfortunately subject to – the circumstances of their birth.
As for Dawkin and disclaimers – that did make me laugh! I’ve read summaries of her books and have some of them on my Kindle. (I don’t know if you have a Kindle but I could only find the books in PDF format which is annoying as fuck to read so unfortunately I haven’t delved in.) But I was very interested in Dawkin. I know that a lot of feminists rip her and strongly dislike her. I know she is bad for trans erasure and so on. But I was very very interested to see what she had to say in Intercourse and Pornography. I believe Intercourse says something along the lines of all heterosexual sexual relations are a form of rape because of inherent patriarchal power dynamics, or something along those lines. Is that what she said? Because if so I think that is very interesting and I am inclined to possibly half-agree with her.
Actually when I was researching for this post I DID come across bits about transwomen (so mtf) rejecting their male privilege, to which I went back and forth trying to decide whether I agree or disagree, because I can see the arguments on both sides. But I do worry that this dialogue is very cissexist, but I will check out the links you sent me. The blogs, at a quick glance, look fascinating and I’ve already followed both, ahha.
Thanks for reading and the food for thought. I’m so not going to do any university work today and spend all day clicking through the links you gave me. Damn you, Andy! I shall blame you if I fail my degree
Sarah, these posts are fantastic! I’ve been taking a few weeks off of blogging to get my life together for the new year, but will be posting about masculinity this week, and will be citing yours. I thought that example of the man expressing his discomfort about being hit on by a gay man was brilliant. In college, I had a gay friend who would comment on men’s asses. A girl friend of mine told him he shouldn’t do that, as that would make these guys uncomfortable. His response, “Yeah, and so what? Guys do the same things to girls every day, and no one says a thing to them.” How amazing a response was that?!
Hi, nice to have you back! That is absolutely brilliant. I think guys (and homophobic guys especially) can only ever seem to vaguely grasp how intimidating it is to be come onto unless it is a man doing it to them – yet some find it so hard to extend that logic to women’s feelings.
Your post sounds fascinating. I’ll look out for it
The gay comparison is interesting – you would think guys would understand the parallel, even if with some (prob most) guys it’s the fact of gayness rather than maleness that they find especially intimidating. But either way, no means no, surely? I’m basically straight – insofar as I’m only interested in women these days, even though I’ve ‘experimented’ as it were in the past. I guy coming on to me wouldn’t faze me in itself, though if he was aggressive and pestering it would. Either way, as a man there’s no taboo around me being aggressive back if needs be… Whether you’re a man or a woman, though, it’s always the men that cause most of this kind of aggro, isn’t it!
I think that is key really. I, too, wouldn’t be so intimidated by a guy asking for my number. Maybe a bit awkward. What makes me intimidated is when said guy ignores my “I’m not interested” and persists anyway. That would intimidate me, and so too would it intimidate any guy being come onto by another gay man, because the other man has the physical strength to do something about his rejection if he refuses to accept your response. Ahh! Only SOME men though. The vast majority of my male friends would understand this and never act like that, and I’m sure you wouldn’t either. There ARE some nice men. Unfortunately there are some jerks too!
Are you following the Steubenville, Ohio rape case? Here’s a great article about it that is in line with what you are saying: http://www.thenation.com/blog/172024/americas-rape-problem-we-refuse-admit-there-one#
No, I haven’t heard anything about it, but my god, this case is out of this world in the most horrible way.
““They raped her quicker than Mike Tyson!”” – fucking hell that’s grim. But the writer of this piece was spot on when she said “these rapists are our sons.” People always seem to distance themselves from rape and rapists, refusing to accept that it will at some point touch their lives.
Thanks for this, Nadia.
Hi I’ve nominated you for a Super Sweet Blogger Award! You don’t have to accept it but if you do want to then go to the website below and follow the rules.
http://mykindofmovie.wordpress.com/2013/01/10/super-sweet-blogger-award/
Thank you for the nomination! That’s really sweet. I’ve just done a very similar thing though, so I don’t want to spam my followers. Thanks again.
You continue to astound me with your thought-provoking, so intelligent and mature blog posts. My feeble little blog’s been put to shame!
Now, I feel I must ask a question, and I apologise for being so ignorant, but what does “cisgender” mean? I get the impression it’s to do with people who are comfortable and happy with the gender / sex they were born into, as opposed to transgender, is that right? But where does the word “cis” actually come from? Is it pronounced as “sis”? Oh dear I must sound like I don’t know anything!
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[...] actually makes us look like idiots. I assume women have known this all along, and that privilege blinded the guys from seeing it. Some guys seem determined not to get it. Some women and girls go along [...]